The Mercenary’s Cookbook

They may not repair their barracks at Ft. Bragg, or faulty wiring in Iraq, but according to the Daily Mail, our troops will have robotic bugs by the end of the year:

British defence giant BAE Systems is creating a series of tiny electronic spiders, insects and snakes that could become the eyes and ears of soldiers on the battlefield, helping to save thousands of lives.

 

Prototypes could be on the front line by the end of the year, scuttling into potential danger areas such as booby-trapped buildings or enemy hideouts to relay images back to troops safely positioned nearby.

Actually, this is the sort of thing we’ll need more of, as the military shifts from the Cold War thinking that led to some of the bigger miscalculations in Iraq. If only they could bring some of this technology to bear on fixing some toilet seats in quarters.

Some of you may remember that the alien from the Weekly World News had a better record of endorsing Presidents than most political pundits. Now that the tabloid has shut down, the Kentucky Derby might be angling to fill those shoes. Hillary Clinton couldn’t be there this year, so at a campaign appearance, she told the crowd to place a bet on the 20-to-1 long shot, Eight-Belles, the only filly in the race. So how’d that work out for her?:

Hillary Clinton’s pick to win the Kentucky Derby this year came in second, but was later euthanized on the track. The tragic moment at Churchill Downs cast an eerie spell over the campaign and the candidate who recently compared herself and her candidacy to the only female horse running in the race, Eight Belles.

The kicker is, the filly came from behind and fought her way to the second spot before breaking both her front legs.

Kevin Drum and Digby are not amused.

The soldiers in Iraq couldn’t be there either, so the Kentucky Derby had to come to them.

First Lt. Jessicah Garrett, of the Kentucky National Guard 138th Fires Brigade, was charged with bringing the Kentucky Derby to Iraq — and she was holding steadfast to the famed sporting event’s traditions. There was Derby Pie and Bourbon Balls and even Mint Juleps — the kind made out of Mojito mix and 7-Up — but the pinnacle of Saturday’s festivities were the mock horse races.

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Soldiers running in the race not only braved the dessert [sic] sun and dust, they had to gallop around a track for 5 minutes — with a make believe horse no less. These horses were made out of anything from socks and towels to brown paper bags attached to pieces of wood. One racer even had a horse fashioned out of a cartoon cut-out of a donkey.

There’s a metaphor there somewhere.

With all that’s going down “Over There”, it’s good to know someone is looking out for the kitties.

Maori extremists protest New Zealand’s anti-terror laws — where is Obama?

First, we needed to get rid of Iraq’s WMD. Once we made sure the country was free of those, we needed to occupy the country to liberate them. Then we had to round up all the Iraqis to interrogate them so we could keep the peace. Once we destroyed the terrorist networks, we were the only thing keeping Al Qaeda out, and we couldn’t just up and leave after that with Al Qaeda causing trouble everywhere.

Around this time, all hell had broken loose, and we were the glue holding everything together, and so many people had died we didn’t want them to die in vain.

Remember, a civil war was possible, and once that crisis had passed, we found ourselves the only thing maintaining order during Baghdad’s transition into ethnic enclaves, and we had a moral obligation to prevent an ethnic cleansing.

With so much at stake in such a vital region, it would be devastating to our national interests if we let things deteriorate. After all, we’re the only thing preventing Iran from influencing the Iraqi government, but now that they appear to be backing the Iraqi coalition, we need to give the Iraqi government the breathing room to set up a government, and give the disbanded Iraqi army time to organize, so they can take over security without the country erupting into chaos.

So the only thing we have left to do before we withdraw is to continue fighting until we win the war, so we can maintain a military presence for the next 100 years.

Now that ABC is reporting http://blogs.abcnews.com/… that the surveillance program is tracking down journalists’ sources, I assume we can expect the following headlines:

1) Surveillance Program Sparks Bush Rebound
2) Democrats Fail to Capitalize on NSA Revelations
3) Congress Sees Spying Program ‘Fatigue’
4) Washington Post Implicated in Terrorist Investigation
5) Spying Program: Scandal or Our Liberal Bias?
6) Bush Gets Tough on Leakers
7) Hearings on Phone Call Monitoring Could Hamper National Security
Bloggers Get Shrill Over NSA Hoo-Haw
9) Benefits of Tapping My Phone MixedLiberal ‘Overreaction’ Misses Complexity (Joe Klien, Thomas Friedman, Joe Lieberman)
10) Reporting Wrongdoing Dangerous in Time of War

No. We do not need to justify why the banana had to be where it was. Letting you know the reason for putting the banana there would be tipping off the terrorists to our techniques. They could use this information about our anti-terror tactics against us.  Not shoving a banana up his ass would be letting the terrorists win. I find it funny how you show so much sympathy for terrorists. What about the people he’s killed?

Did he kill anybody?

He must have. There’s a banana in his ass. Would there be a banana in his ass if he didn’t kill anybody?

I don’t know. Would there?

We can’t tell you. But believe me, we had our reasons.

Isn’t it illegal?

No. The Geneva Conventions forbid the use of torture. We would never torture.

How do you define torture? At the very least, this looks to be very unpleasant for the man.

Prison isn’t supposed to be a country club, and believe me, back in our college days we shoved bananas up people’s asses if they wanted to join the Skull and Bones. To be torture, it would have to cause pain equivalent to death or catastrophic organ failure. As you can see, this man’s organs are still functioning.  He’s just going to be shitting blood for a while.

So, it’s not torture unless that man dies?  Okay. What happens then?

We can’t be held responsible if the man dies, because we didn’t mean to do it.

Don’t you think shoving bananas up people’s asses might be part of the reason why they hate us?

No. He hates us for our freedom.

Well, after all this, I hope it worked.

Did what work?

Shoving a banana up this man’s ass.

Sadly, sometimes we find only being able to shove a banana up a man’s ass to be far too limiting to effectively fight the War on Terror. Often more extreme measures are required.

Like what?

Like extraditing prisoners to countries that are not as constrained by the dictates of Political Correctness. Some people in this country still have a problem seeing anything worse than a banana shoved up a man’s ass.  

Don’t you worry that it hurts America’s image abroad to see these photos of a banana in a man’s ass?

Yes I do. That’s why they never should have been released. There needs to be an investigation.

But you can’t stop leaking. Perhaps it would be easier not to stick a banana up a man’s ass in the first place?

Believe me, Saddam’s done far worse, so we’ve got a long way to go before you’re in any position to complain about it.  I don’t hear you whining about what Saddam did.

I thought we were supposed to be better.

We are better. We have other people do the really rough stuff.

Do you ever worry that the banana in the man’s ass will get a lot of media attention in the US?

No. So far the media has not uncovered any evidence of Democrats sticking banana’s in people’s rear ends. They can’t report this until they can say Democrats have done it also.

Do you ever worry that the people will rise up against this kind of tactic?

No. They love their country too much to do that.  They know how important that banana is.  They know we wouldn’t shove a banana up a man’s ass unless it was absolutely necessary.

But if they do?

Then there should be an investigation. This administration does not tolerate leakers.